The Goal Was Never to Become Untouchable

There is an understandable fantasy that sometimes follows heartbreak, betrayal, abandonment, or repeated disappointment:

I will become so strong that nobody can ever do this to me again.

So you become harder to surprise.

Harder to disappoint.

Harder to need.

Maybe even harder to know.

It can feel like healing because you are no longer as vulnerable to someone else’s choices. But invulnerability was never the goal.

Agency was.

Wholeness Is the Ability to Remain Yourself

Some of the newer relationship research gives us a more useful way to think about security: autonomy inside connection. In two dyadic longitudinal studies, Genesse et al. (2025) found that feeling able to act authentically and autonomously within romantic relationships was associated with greater relationship satisfaction. Attachment insecurity was associated with lower daily autonomy, which in turn was connected with poorer relationship satisfaction both day-to-day and over time.

That matters because autonomy does not mean, “I do not need anyone.”

It means:

• I can love you without losing myself.
• I can hear your disappointment without immediately abandoning my needs.
• I can consider your opinion without making it my identity.
• I can compromise without disappearing.
• I can leave if staying begins requiring self-betrayal.

That is very different from becoming untouchable.

Self-Trust Is More Useful Than Perfect Protection

No boundary can guarantee that nobody will ever lie to you.

No amount of discernment can make another adult permanently predictable.

No healing process eliminates relational risk.

So eventually, protection has to shift from:

“How do I guarantee nobody hurts me?”

to:

“What do I trust myself to do if someone does?”

• Will you believe yourself when something repeatedly feels wrong?
• Will you address the behavior?
• Will you ask questions instead of explaining away the pattern?
• Will you change the level of access?
• Will you leave if necessary?

That is where wholeness becomes powerful. You stop requiring perfect external safety because you have developed greater internal reliability.

Fear Can Quietly Start Choosing for You

This is particularly important when rejection has been painful before. In research with romantic couples, higher rejection sensitivity was associated with lower relationship satisfaction and commitment, alongside greater jealousy and self-silencing (Mishra et al., 2024). Attachment anxiety and avoidance helped explain several of those associations.

Rejection sensitivity can make ordinary ambiguity feel loaded.

• A delayed response becomes abandonment.
• A difficult conversation becomes proof the relationship is failing.
• A difference of opinion becomes evidence you are no longer safe.

The answer is not ignoring your instincts. It is becoming grounded enough to distinguish information from alarm.

Psychological flexibility research points in the same direction. In couples navigating significant stress, greater psychological flexibility has been associated with healthier relationship functioning (Ma et al., 2025).

Flexibility allows us to respond to what is actually happening instead of automatically repeating one protective strategy everywhere.

For Black Women, Hyper-Self-Reliance Can Be Praised

For Black women, becoming highly self-reliant may receive social applause.

“She handles everything.”

“She doesn’t need anybody.”

“She always figures it out.”

But independence can become expensive when it makes receiving support feel unsafe.

In a study of 194 Black women, Spivey et al. (2025) found that stronger expectations to “manifest strength”—one dimension of the Strong Black Woman schema—were associated with lower beliefs in seeking social support and greater depressive symptoms.

This does not mean Black women should become less capable. It means capability should not become a rule requiring you to carry everything alone.

There is power in being able to say:

I can handle this myself—and I do not always have to.

Ask a Better Question

Instead of asking:

“How do I make sure nobody ever gets enough access to hurt me?”

Ask:

“What evidence tells me this person deserves another level of access—and what do I trust myself to do if that access is mishandled?”

That second question changes everything.

Because now your safety is not entirely dependent on predicting another human being perfectly.

Your safety also rests in your own capacity to notice, decide, speak, adjust, and act.

That is relational agency.

Not control over another person.

Control over your participation.

You can love without surrendering judgment.

Trust without signing away discernment.

Need people without making yourself powerless.

Let someone matter without making yourself disappear.

The goal is not becoming impossible to hurt.

The goal is becoming so rooted in yourself that hurt will never again require self-abandonment as the price of staying connected.

That is wholeness.

Alesha Brown, CEO, Fruition Publishing Concierge Services®

Editor-in-Chief, Published! Magazine®

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